2025-03-18T06:01:00
(BPT) – Are you seeing someone but confused about where you stand? It might be time to define the relationship (DTR). It can be a classic awkward moment, but with a little preparation and practice, you can own the awk.
Why DTR?
Defining the relationship helps you avoid confusion and drama that can develop when people haven’t clearly expressed their wants, needs and expectations. Taking this step can relieve tension and build trust. Whatever the outcome, knowing your relationship status is totally worth it.
DTR — along with your wants and needs — gives both you and your partner(s) the chance to share your expectations. What you each want may differ, but that doesn’t mean one of you is right and the other is wrong. Having the convo can deepen your connection — or tell you this isn’t your ideal match right now. DTR also paves the way for honest chats on lots of other things!
Want help starting the convo? “Own the Awk” from the National Coalition for Sexual Health has videos, conversation starters, virtual card decks, scripts and more on DTR and six other sex and relationship topics to help you talk more openly with partners. Just go to OwnTheAwk.org.
1. Ask yourself “What do I want?”
Before starting the convo, be real with yourself about what you want and need in this relationship or connection. You could take some time to reflect on each question below — every combo is on the table:
- Committed or casual?
- Sexual?
- Romantic and emotionally intimate?
- Exclusive or non-exclusive?
Try writing down your thoughts and feelings to help clarify where you stand. You can even practice what you want to say with a friend or on your own. You don’t need to write a script, just a few key points to build your confidence, reduce anxiety and keep things on track. Remember to check in with yourself regularly since feelings and desires can change.
2. Start the convo
Choose a chill, quiet place to bring up the convo instead of a crowded one and try to keep it relaxed — treat it like any other chat. Make sure everyone is relaxed, not busy, and in a good mood before you begin.
Be upfront about your thoughts and feelings — and invite your partner(s) to do the same. Your needs and wants matter just as much as your partner’s. With practice, you’ll get better at asking for what you want without feeling guilty.
If you’re feeling anxious, let your partner(s) know — they might feel the same way. It’s best to skip the line, “We have to talk,” which can be a total anxiety trigger. You could start with something like:
- “This is a bit awkward, but I’ve been thinking about what I want from this relationship. I’d love to chat with you about it.”
- “I’m a little nervous to bring this up, but since we’ve been spending so much time together, can we talk about where this is going?”
- “Things have been great, and I don’t want to put you on the spot, but how do you feel about us being together?”
As the convo evolves, you might want to ask other open-ended questions:
- Rather than: “Are you looking for an exclusive relationship?” You could try: “What kind of relationship are you looking for?”
- Instead of: “Do you want to move in together?” You could ask: “How do you feel about the idea of us moving in together?”
You might choose to respond with details like:
- “I’m looking for something casual right now to focus on [work/school]. You may want something different, but I wanted to be upfront. What are you interested in?”
- “I wanted to let you know that I’m looking for something serious. It’s fine if that’s not what you want, but I want to find out if we’re on the same page before this goes any further.”
Remember: confidence — owning your right to express what you’re feeling and what you want — is sexy.
3. Handle your partner’s reaction
Worried about how your partner(s) might react? You might be surprised. Eighty-five percent of young adults say they want to talk more openly about sex and relationship topics, including DTR, with their partner(s).
However, if you’re worried about negative reactions or potential violence, seek advice from a friend, family member or counselor prior to talking with your partner(s).
If your partner(s) won’t even have the conversation or shuts you down, consider whether this response works for you. You can’t force a DTR talk. But you can try to explain why the convo matters and dig a little deeper to understand their feelings by saying something like:
“Being clear gives me peace of mind and keeps things from getting confusing later. It’d help me a lot if I knew why you don’t want to talk about this.”
“Understanding your feelings and what you want right now helps me decide if this is right for me. And you can decide if it’s right for you.”
4. Move forward
DTR isn’t one-and-done. Even if you’re on the same page now, touch base to make sure you’re still in sync over time. Regular check-ins can help prevent misunderstandings and conflict.
Stay open to their point of view. If you and your partner(s) aren’t on the same page, that doesn’t mean the relationship must end. Avoid pressuring yourselves to come to a resolution ASAP: suggest taking some time to think, chat later, and see if a compromise could work for both of you. But don’t lose sight of what makes you feel happy and safe. Compromising too much just to keep someone won’t satisfy you in the short- or long-term. Partners who truly care about you won’t expect you to stay in a relationship that doesn’t meet your needs.
If a compromise isn’t possible, it might be time to call it quits and move on. If that happens, give yourself time to grieve the loss and be proud you didn’t settle for something that doesn’t meet your needs. Whether you want something casual, serious or exclusive, being true to yourself helps you feel happy and healthy.
Interested in learning more? Grow your confidence and explore tips, videos, scripts and more to help you have real talks on topics like DTR, sexual desires and safer sex at OwnTheAwk.org. Your playbook for navigating the awk in your love life.
